industrial park

Iraqi Information Minister picks Detroit Tigers will win World Series

2003-04-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

Iraqi Information Minister Mohammad Said al-Sahhaf made his annual major league baseball predictions today and picked the Detroit Tigers to win the World Series.
"What you are seeing in the American media that the Tigers have not won a game yet is pure propaganda," he said. "They will triumph as they have for the last 10 years."
Sahhaf also picked the Clippers to win the NBA championship and the Cincinnati Bengals to win the next Super Bowl.

Cheney voted world's leading Dick

2003-04-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

Vice President Dick Cheney has been voted World's Leading Dick by the Readers of Guys Named Dick magazine.
"Our readership chose the Vice President from a long list of distinguished Dicks," said Dick Mannley, editor and publisher of the magazine.
The list also includes Dick Gephardt, Dick Butkus and Dick Clark.

Geraldo Rivera expelled from Iraq for failing to locate Saddam's vault

2003-04-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was expelled from Iraq today after failing to find Saddam Hussein's vaults.
"We thought he would be the perfect man to help us locate the weapons of mass destruction," said a Pentagon spokesperson. "He had all that experience with locating underground things, but it didn't work out."
Rivera refused to comment, but Fox News pledged that the correspondent would soon have a new assignment. "We're going to start sending him to antiwar protests," said a Fox News spokesman. "It will be his job to annoy and cajole protesters until they can't take it anymore and go home."

Rumsfeld Adviser Perle Resigns Post

2003-03-27T09:07:00.000-08:00

Will devote more time to arranging comb-over.
Richard Perle has resigned as the chairman of the Defense Policy Board, a group that advises the secretary of defense on various issues.
Perle said that he needed to spend more time on his comb-over.
"The older I get, the harder it is to cover the top of my head with the hair on the sides," he said in a statement. "It was a difficult decision, but this is something I just need to do."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld accepted the resignation and expressed his admiration for Perle. "I'm sorry to see him go, but I know how much he believes in what he's doing and I'm sure he'll continue to be successful," Rumsfeld said.

Tasmanian Devil helps Marines clear Iraqi bunkers

2003-03-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

The Navy's mine-clearing trained dolphins may have gotten more attention, but the Marine Corp's bunker-clearing Tasmanian Devil has been no less important to the war effort.
"We send that little guy in one end of the bunker and those Republican Guard soldiers come running out the other end," said Lt. Samuel Howard of the 1st Marine Division.
The Tasmanian Devil had been extremely humble about the part he's played so far: "Blah pthaga glathaha," he said.

Bush requesting $75 billion for war costs, $6 for Big Mac value meal

2003-03-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

President Bush intends to ask Congress for $75 billion dollars to pay for the war in Iraq and another $6 so he can run over to McDonalds and buy a Big Mac value meal.
The $75 billion covers a six month period and includes combat, stabilization and withdrawal. The lesser amount will pay for a Big Mac hamburger, large fries and a large Coke. Ketchup, napkins and a straw are included at no cost.
"The President believes that a burger sounds like a good choice for lunch today and this amount is a very reasonable request," said a White House spokesperson.

Cowell, Seacrest announce engagement

2003-03-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

Two stars of Fox's American Idol, Simon Cowell, a judge on the program, and Ryan Seacrest, the host, announced their engagement today.
The announcement was not a surprise to most who work on and follow the popular television show.
"Whenever they do their little moment of banter on the show, you can just see the spark between them," said fellow judge Paula Abdul. "I'm so excited for them and I know they'll be very happy together."
One employee of the show, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the two men fell in love while vacationing together in the Caribbean.